I think that the hardest thing for me through my struggle with bipolar disorder, depression, craziness...whatever the label, is that my perspective constantly changes and sometimes, I have two perspectives at the same time. I can almost dettach myself completely and watch the train wreck of my life. I understand everything that is going on around me, I know my emotions and my reactions do not properly reflect what is happening (they are often blown up, although sometimes I'm completely apathetic). Its frustrating; to think one thing and express another. I literally have no control over what comes out, even if it is not at all how I feel internally. Does that make sense? Of course not. NORMAL people express how they feel, they don't express things they don't feel or think!
For example, today, a completely normal laid back day. I'm doing household chores yet I find myself in complete panic, totally overwhelmed, hating life and wondering when the day will finally be over because I just can't handle the stress of it all. Stress? What stress? I'm clearly having a "what the fuck?" moment. If I could just unwind or get myself to calm down. I need to look around and realize that there is no stress, no pressure, and no impending doom.
My therapist thinks that's wonderful that I can recognize when my feelings don't align with my life. I think that's a crock. How is it wonderful that someone can recognize how coo coo cachoo they are? Her reasoning is I could just be completely oblivious to it and just feel miserable without realizing that there's nothing to be miserable about...got that? I guess her point is at least I can try to talk myself down. My take on it is, I know my feelings don't make sense, I try and talk myself down, I can't so then I'm just frustrated with myself and my whacked out emotions.
So, its all a matter of perspective, however, I can't always get the right perspective of life to shine through my feelings. How do we train ourselves to feel properly? If anyone has the answers, I'd love to hear them!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Flashback #2
Recently, I told my therapist that I would love to have the opportunity to tell my ex-boyfriend what I really think of him. We were together for over 4 years; basically the end of highschool up until I met my husband. We were on again, off again. Looking back, I see just how miserable and doomed our relationship was. He was a liar. That was probably the last thing in my life that I needed, but then does anyone ever really "need" a liar in their life?
One intance that I keep playing over and over in my mind is when I suspected he was cheating on me. I was at the mall with a girlfriend and all of sudden the girl I suspected he was cheating on me with walked into the store where we were shopping. She had been coming around lately, and I had a feeling that my "hunch" was a little more than just a weird feeling I had. I confronted her.
"Please leave my boyfriend alone. Don't you understand that he and I are a couple!?!?!?"
her: "We're just friends and last I checked, he could talk to anyone he wants to."
That's all she had to say. I LOST IT. My ex happened to be meeting me and my friend right at that moment. Perfect timing, wouldn't you say? I begged him to tell her off. I pleaded that right there and then he profess his love for me and tell her to buzz off. He wouldn't do it.
I walked back into the store at the mall, by now she's in the dressing room, and I begin banging on her door. "LEAVE US ALONE!" I demanded. She snickered. She's lucky that door was in between us. At that moment, I realized I had lost part of him. For whatever reason he couldn't tell her to go away. I knew it...SHE knew it.
I melted down right there in the mall. Full blown panic attack. Tears, gasps, shaking and just complete loss of my emotions. My then boyfriend was annoyed with me. Why wasn't he sticking up for us? (answer is pretty obvious now) We spent the rest of the day with him telling me that she was nothing, that he didn't even know why she was bothering him (us), etc. I believed him, I allowed him to calm me down, even though deep down inside something was unsettled in me.
The entire last year of my relationship with my ex revolved around fights about that girl. She just kept "appearing" in our life. Today...my ex and the girl in the mall are married and have a child together. They got together minutes after I called it quits for the last time. They deserve each other. What I would give to tell them both off. How dare he waste my time for all those years?
I don't know why I keep going back to that day in the mall. Maybe its not about them...either one of them, but more about how I lost control of my emotions. I was let down by someone I loved very much. I was shown that my feelings didn't matter and that I truly could trust no one.
One intance that I keep playing over and over in my mind is when I suspected he was cheating on me. I was at the mall with a girlfriend and all of sudden the girl I suspected he was cheating on me with walked into the store where we were shopping. She had been coming around lately, and I had a feeling that my "hunch" was a little more than just a weird feeling I had. I confronted her.
"Please leave my boyfriend alone. Don't you understand that he and I are a couple!?!?!?"
her: "We're just friends and last I checked, he could talk to anyone he wants to."
That's all she had to say. I LOST IT. My ex happened to be meeting me and my friend right at that moment. Perfect timing, wouldn't you say? I begged him to tell her off. I pleaded that right there and then he profess his love for me and tell her to buzz off. He wouldn't do it.
I walked back into the store at the mall, by now she's in the dressing room, and I begin banging on her door. "LEAVE US ALONE!" I demanded. She snickered. She's lucky that door was in between us. At that moment, I realized I had lost part of him. For whatever reason he couldn't tell her to go away. I knew it...SHE knew it.
I melted down right there in the mall. Full blown panic attack. Tears, gasps, shaking and just complete loss of my emotions. My then boyfriend was annoyed with me. Why wasn't he sticking up for us? (answer is pretty obvious now) We spent the rest of the day with him telling me that she was nothing, that he didn't even know why she was bothering him (us), etc. I believed him, I allowed him to calm me down, even though deep down inside something was unsettled in me.
The entire last year of my relationship with my ex revolved around fights about that girl. She just kept "appearing" in our life. Today...my ex and the girl in the mall are married and have a child together. They got together minutes after I called it quits for the last time. They deserve each other. What I would give to tell them both off. How dare he waste my time for all those years?
I don't know why I keep going back to that day in the mall. Maybe its not about them...either one of them, but more about how I lost control of my emotions. I was let down by someone I loved very much. I was shown that my feelings didn't matter and that I truly could trust no one.
Monday, May 23, 2011
No progress
The last couple weeks have been anything but good when it comes to how I'm dealing with meds, life, moods, etc. I think I'm doing a pretty good job masking how I really feel, but inside I'm screaming and I'm ready to just split in half. I keep describing my feelings to my husand as if I could literally just peel my own skin off; that's how incredibly uncomfortable I am. I just cannot get away from myself. I can't stand to be me right now.
I spoke to my doctor about Abilify and we decided it wasn't the right medicine for me. So I'm now on .25 mg of something called Risperdal. I have no idea if that dosage is even enough for me, but at least I don't feel the way I did on Abiify.
I'm irritable, disconnect, uncomfortable, anxious and all twisted in knots every waking moment of the day and the only time I find comfort is in my sleep. I love my sleep and lately, I've been getting a good amount! Yet, every morning when I open my eyes, I think to myself, "Oh shit...here we go again." What kind of life is that? I can't wait for days to be over and I'm basically in survival mode. I just pray I make it to the finish of each day without some sort of confrontation, problem, blow-up or conflict. Each day passed is a day that is successful and each morning I find myself bogged down with dread, fear and anxiety of what is in store for me. I find myself constantly exhausted, frustrated and feeling completely defeated.
My energy level has picked back up now that I'm not on Abilify, and I'm hoping now that I'm able to be somewhat productive, I'll start to feel a little bit better about myself. I've recently been accepted into a graduate program and I'm optimistic that this will give me some useful stress and something to focus my energy in positive way. I thrive on challenge, but I'm hoping that I'm not biting off more than I can chew.
I know that right now, I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine; this is the ugliness of my disease. I struggle with the label; I repeat "this does not define me" over and over in my head, but I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into the illness and farther and farther from my life and those I love. Its lonely and painful.
My eyes are welling up in tears as I type...I just want to feel better. I want to be the wife and mother my family deserves. I want to embrace my friends and know that tomorrow brings brighter days. I feel a cloud over me and I'm biding my time just hoping that my thread doesn't unravel and I'm left drifting in the wind. I just want to feel better. I only want to feel better...
I spoke to my doctor about Abilify and we decided it wasn't the right medicine for me. So I'm now on .25 mg of something called Risperdal. I have no idea if that dosage is even enough for me, but at least I don't feel the way I did on Abiify.
I'm irritable, disconnect, uncomfortable, anxious and all twisted in knots every waking moment of the day and the only time I find comfort is in my sleep. I love my sleep and lately, I've been getting a good amount! Yet, every morning when I open my eyes, I think to myself, "Oh shit...here we go again." What kind of life is that? I can't wait for days to be over and I'm basically in survival mode. I just pray I make it to the finish of each day without some sort of confrontation, problem, blow-up or conflict. Each day passed is a day that is successful and each morning I find myself bogged down with dread, fear and anxiety of what is in store for me. I find myself constantly exhausted, frustrated and feeling completely defeated.
My energy level has picked back up now that I'm not on Abilify, and I'm hoping now that I'm able to be somewhat productive, I'll start to feel a little bit better about myself. I've recently been accepted into a graduate program and I'm optimistic that this will give me some useful stress and something to focus my energy in positive way. I thrive on challenge, but I'm hoping that I'm not biting off more than I can chew.
I know that right now, I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine; this is the ugliness of my disease. I struggle with the label; I repeat "this does not define me" over and over in my head, but I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into the illness and farther and farther from my life and those I love. Its lonely and painful.
My eyes are welling up in tears as I type...I just want to feel better. I want to be the wife and mother my family deserves. I want to embrace my friends and know that tomorrow brings brighter days. I feel a cloud over me and I'm biding my time just hoping that my thread doesn't unravel and I'm left drifting in the wind. I just want to feel better. I only want to feel better...
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Knowing your body
My doctor had put me on 10mg of Abilify. I was to take 5mg for one week and then double the dose the next week. Well, two weeks at 10mg, and I knew something was wrong. My limbs felt like lead, I couldn't work, I couldn't sleep at night, but couldn't stay awake during the day, couldn't drive a car, couldn't couldn't couldn't. More couldn'ts that coulds and I knew that I COULDN'T live that way...
My appointment is tomorrow, but I went ahead and cut myself back down to 5mg this past week and I'm feeling much much much better. I'm really looking forward to speaking with my doctor and letting her know how I am feeling. We have to know our own bodies and speak up when things don't feel right. I'm curious to hear what she has to say and if she feels that this is best for me.
My appointment is tomorrow, but I went ahead and cut myself back down to 5mg this past week and I'm feeling much much much better. I'm really looking forward to speaking with my doctor and letting her know how I am feeling. We have to know our own bodies and speak up when things don't feel right. I'm curious to hear what she has to say and if she feels that this is best for me.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Flashback #1 Childhood
Is it sad that my strongest memories of my childhood always bring out the emotions of fear, anxiety, shame and lonliness? I wish I could say that my childhood was filled with love and happiness and that I always felt safe and secure. The truth is that that couldn't be any farther from the truth; I might as well say that I was a boy as a child!
My parents I suppose "did their best" or thought they were doing their best. Funny thing is, I don't think they knew how to be good parents at all. In fact, I don't think that they truly knew how to be good people. Many nights, I would sit in my bedroom fearing that my door would open and I would get a visit from my "loving father". It never went as far as sexual intercourse, but it was enough. I won't go into the details, but I hated being around him. I hated that my mom worked a lot and that left me home alone with him many hours throughout the day. If he wasn't smacking me around for not being an "obedient child" he was professing his love to me in the only way he knew how...and as I matured, I learned that good fathers don't show love that way to their daughters.
I wouldn't say that my father had a thing for little girls. To be honest, I don't know. I think that I was easy access for a man that was failing at his marriage and not getting the attention he wanted from his wife. I shudder at the thought that he could have possibly hurt another child. I wasn't thinking that back then though; my only thought was to survive. I just needed to make it through; to come out alive and intact. The abuse went on for years. Never going far enough to leave physical damage, but always going far enough to leave shame. It was around 14 years old when I decided enough was enough.
It was New Year's Eve. My family was having a party and there were all kinds of people there. It was a great family event. My highschool boyfriend, Justin, was even there. I loved him all kinds of crazy. I thought I would marry him, but isn't that what every 14 year old girl in love thinks? At midnight, as the ball dropped, everyone snuggled and I even got a little kiss from that sweet boy, Justin. Then my father grabbed me and spun me around and infront of everyone says, "This is how you kiss a girl!" and then he french kissed me right there in front of everyone!!!! I wanted to die! I felt as though my secret shame had just been released to the world! Why didn't my mother step in!?!?! Why didn't anyone help me!?!?!? It was clear my father was drunk. Did the alcohol excuse him from this public display of inappropriate behavior? I was mortified, I was crushed, I was embarrassed, and I felt so utterly lost and alone. I wanted to die. Why didn't anyone speak up? No one said a word. It was hushed, brushed off and everyone went back to what they were doing. Me, standing there, feeling like I had a big stain of blood across my chest. I knew in that moment something was wrong with my life.
My parents I suppose "did their best" or thought they were doing their best. Funny thing is, I don't think they knew how to be good parents at all. In fact, I don't think that they truly knew how to be good people. Many nights, I would sit in my bedroom fearing that my door would open and I would get a visit from my "loving father". It never went as far as sexual intercourse, but it was enough. I won't go into the details, but I hated being around him. I hated that my mom worked a lot and that left me home alone with him many hours throughout the day. If he wasn't smacking me around for not being an "obedient child" he was professing his love to me in the only way he knew how...and as I matured, I learned that good fathers don't show love that way to their daughters.
I wouldn't say that my father had a thing for little girls. To be honest, I don't know. I think that I was easy access for a man that was failing at his marriage and not getting the attention he wanted from his wife. I shudder at the thought that he could have possibly hurt another child. I wasn't thinking that back then though; my only thought was to survive. I just needed to make it through; to come out alive and intact. The abuse went on for years. Never going far enough to leave physical damage, but always going far enough to leave shame. It was around 14 years old when I decided enough was enough.
It was New Year's Eve. My family was having a party and there were all kinds of people there. It was a great family event. My highschool boyfriend, Justin, was even there. I loved him all kinds of crazy. I thought I would marry him, but isn't that what every 14 year old girl in love thinks? At midnight, as the ball dropped, everyone snuggled and I even got a little kiss from that sweet boy, Justin. Then my father grabbed me and spun me around and infront of everyone says, "This is how you kiss a girl!" and then he french kissed me right there in front of everyone!!!! I wanted to die! I felt as though my secret shame had just been released to the world! Why didn't my mother step in!?!?! Why didn't anyone help me!?!?!? It was clear my father was drunk. Did the alcohol excuse him from this public display of inappropriate behavior? I was mortified, I was crushed, I was embarrassed, and I felt so utterly lost and alone. I wanted to die. Why didn't anyone speak up? No one said a word. It was hushed, brushed off and everyone went back to what they were doing. Me, standing there, feeling like I had a big stain of blood across my chest. I knew in that moment something was wrong with my life.
Flashbacks
Throughout the last couple weeks, I've heard time and time again, "this makes so much sense". Be it from friends, my husband, my therapist, my brother...its like a light bulb just went off or they finallly understood the lyrics to my song. So I've reflected on my life and tried to find warning signs that I previously missed or misunderstood. It hasn't been anything like a "lovely stroll down memory lane". In fact, its been more like, "Oh my goodness! How did I survive that!?!?!" Nice, huh? I suppose throughout the blog I'll post about my flashbacks. Maybe this will give me some insight as to what has been leading up to this point in my life or perhaps even give me an understanding of the different cycles I've gone through.
Lead
I feel as though my legs are filled with lead. My brain is going a million miles an hour, but my body can barely keep up. The only thing that relieves this is sleep; unfortunately, I can't very well sleep my life away, can I?
It is actually physically painful. It feels like Restless Leg Syndrom (RLS) and there's nothing I can do adequately get comfortable throughout the day. Today, I finally had to come home to rest. There was nothing left for me to do. I hate that I have to miss work and I know that this just puts an added stress to my husband and our businesses. I tell my therapists all the time how thankful I am to own my own businesses because I don't think a boss would be so understanding. I seriously doubt that I could hold a job down right now.
I really need to speak with my doctor about these side effects and see if this is something that will eventually "go away" or if they are something that I need to get used to. I literally feel like I'm coming out of my skin because my legs hurt so badly. I just don't have the energy or strength to move around, yet my brain is going too fast for my own thoughts.
Please, God, let this all even out soon!
It is actually physically painful. It feels like Restless Leg Syndrom (RLS) and there's nothing I can do adequately get comfortable throughout the day. Today, I finally had to come home to rest. There was nothing left for me to do. I hate that I have to miss work and I know that this just puts an added stress to my husband and our businesses. I tell my therapists all the time how thankful I am to own my own businesses because I don't think a boss would be so understanding. I seriously doubt that I could hold a job down right now.
I really need to speak with my doctor about these side effects and see if this is something that will eventually "go away" or if they are something that I need to get used to. I literally feel like I'm coming out of my skin because my legs hurt so badly. I just don't have the energy or strength to move around, yet my brain is going too fast for my own thoughts.
Please, God, let this all even out soon!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)