Slow Motion

The world is in constant motion.  Unfortunately, when I'm having a bad day, nothing stops; everything and everyone keeps moving along.  I was finding myself slipping further and further from the reality of life and deeper in to my own darkness and isolation.  No one can live like that?  At least, I can't.  I can't sit in a hole and feel sorry for myself, that's just not my nature.  I've been taking baby steps to re-enter social life, but its been a long process.

I'm starting to feel a little more even keel and decided that today I was going to go to a birthday party.  It was wonderful seeing all my friends.  I've missed them.  They were all warm, cracked jokes about bipolar disorder, insisted that I was a trend setter (Demi Lovato and Catherine Zeta-Jones recently announced their struggles with bipolar disorders as well) leave it to my girls to find a way to make this "posh"!  The weather was gorgeous, the party was a little crowded; i suppose that's to be expected for a joint birthday party for two boys ages 2 and 5.  About halfway into the party, I could feel the walls closing in around me...time to go.  It all just became too much.  I was feeling drowsy, irritable, rushed, and even confused. 

My children weren't really ready to leave, but thank goodness we had swim lessons later in the afternoon and I was able to tell them we needed to go get ready.  I didn't make it though.  By the time we got the kids ready for swimming, I was in full melt-down and needed to go home to sleep/rest.  My husband trudged on with both kids to lessons and managed them all on his own.  I...went home and took a nap.  That's the first time I've done that to him.  I've always managed all our activities; I guess today, I just pushed too hard and I was overwhelmed. 

The only way I can describe things when I get into my melt-down mode is that the world starts moving very quickly and I am stuck in slow motion.  Its everything I can do to function.  I can't drive, I can walk or talk, or focus.  I'm just...done.  I'm feeling like that more and more lately, but usually sleep helps it go away.  After my nap today, I went on to have a very productive and happy evening.  I made a nice steak dinner and then worked on a wedding project for my niece.  I even went back out and did some shopping for the project. 

The slow motion sucks.  It literally takes a chunk out of my life.  I feel that I miss out on so much with these lapses.  I'll definitely talk to my doctor about this at my next appointment...

Trouble Sleeping

Day 2 of getting only 4 hours sleep.  I was up again at 2:30 AM today.  I hate that.  I am somewhat productive, but really...I'd rather be sleeping. 

2:30 AM, shopped online for couches/sectionals for our weekend home.
3:00 AM, replied to and forwarded emails
3:30 AM, posted pictures to an online forum and perused new postings by others
4:15 AM, washed face and got dressed for the day
4:30 AM, straightened up house
4:45 AM, at breakfast.  I made a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of coffee
5:00 AM...here I sit.

My family won't get up for another 45 minutes, then we'll do the morning shuffle.  I can't wait to get to the gym today.  I have a feeling today is going to draaaag, but I'll do my best to be productive and get things crossed off my never ending list.

I just want to be OK.

I heard this song today on the radio and I thought, "sing it sister!  I know exactly how you feel!"

Change

I started Abilify on the 19th.  It has definitely been an adjustment.  I'm on a low dosage, but I could already feel the affects; good and bad.  The first few days, it was mostly bad, but now that my body is adjusting and I'm also taking a higher dose (went from 5 mg to 10 mg) I'm feeling better each day!

Good:  I feel more settled.  I can regulate my temper more easily.  I feel more motivated.  I'm getting back into a routine/schedule with my life.  I don't feel so depressed. 

Bad:  I feel sluggish.  It seems I'm moving in slow motion.  My mind has trouble focusing and I feel sleepy during the day.  I can't take some of my workout supplements because they are "stimulants".  My legs, feet, hands feel heavy. 

We'll see how things go over the next couple weeks and I'll talk to my doctor.  I'm also looking into natural ways to battle Bipolar Disorder.  I've heard of Lithium Orotate, a natural Lithium that is supposedly healthier and safer than prescription Lithium.  I need to do more research.

Change is good for me right now.  Anything that can help me feel better and get back to having a happy and healthy life. 

Trying so hard.

Over the weekend, I could feel my skin tightening up.  I was supposed to be enjoying a relaxing weekend with my children and husband, but the slightest thing would set me off.  I felt that I was getting ready to burst.  I hate that.  I hate myself when I get like that.  Why do I lash out at those I love?  I cannot trust myself; my emotions; my actions.  It sucks. 

I tried so hard to enjoy the weekend.  I did c"fun" things with my children, extra things with my 6 year old daughter.  I shopped, I ate well, I exercised.  Nothing seemed to break the edge though.  I felt as though I just could NOT connect with my life.  Am I alone?  Does anyone else know what it feels like to float above your life, loving people, seeing how good life is, but not able to enjoy it?  It really breaks my heart.

Today, I knew that I needed to get work done.  I just could not focus.  I tried, but I was making mistakes left and right and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I honestly don't think I could hold down a job right now.  Thank goodness I own my own business and I work with my husband.  He's a saint.  He's understanding, but I can see his patience is wearing thin...

Its like no matter how hard I try.  I just cannot shake this and I can't break free of this heavy burden.  Hopefully I'll feel some relief soon.

The circle is growing.

So now that a handful of people know, I'm feeling like my circle of trust is pretty stable. 

Husband
Therapist
Brother and his wife
My sister-in-law
My closest friends
My nutritionist/trainer

No one else needs to know at this point.  I'm just not ready.

Overwhelmed

The last three weeks have been nothing short of living hell.  Between waiting for the blood work/test results, not being on ANY medication at all for depression/anxiety, feeling prickly, etc.  I'm seriously surprised that I haven't snapped yet. 

I FINALLY met with my doctor again on Monday, April 18th and my test results came back all clear.  Yup.  I'm healthy as a horse.  Great news right?  Right!  Except that means that I can't blame anything else for my symptoms and through process of elimination...I'm being diagnosed as having a Bipolar Disorder.  SHIT!

As the doctor is sitting there, barely making eye contact with me, scribbling on her paper, rattling off symptoms of the scariest drugs I've ever heard of...I suddenly had an urge to get up and leave the room.  This isn't me.  She is mistaken.  I can't listen to this and I know she's wrong.  That's what I'm telling myself.  She managed to get me to stay and we talked some more about medication and together we decide to try Abilify.  I'm on day #2 of taking it and I'm already feeling "loopy", "tired", "heavy" and "sluggish".  Ugh.  These side effects should go away soon, I'm told, but we shall see. 

I let my nutritionist know the news and together we are looking into natural and clean ways to treat bipolar disorder.  I like the sound of Lithium orotate.  Its a natural supplement that can be taken over the counter.  I'm going to give it a try.  I'm going to make sure that I keep up with my diet and exercise program and really focus on staying healthy. 

How did this happen?  I never in my life thought that mental illness was something I would have to think about.  The more I think about it and the more that I read/research, I'll be honest, the more a Bipolar Disorder makes sense.  I'm scared, overwhelmed and feeling very lost.  This will not define me.