Slow Motion

The world is in constant motion.  Unfortunately, when I'm having a bad day, nothing stops; everything and everyone keeps moving along.  I was finding myself slipping further and further from the reality of life and deeper in to my own darkness and isolation.  No one can live like that?  At least, I can't.  I can't sit in a hole and feel sorry for myself, that's just not my nature.  I've been taking baby steps to re-enter social life, but its been a long process.

I'm starting to feel a little more even keel and decided that today I was going to go to a birthday party.  It was wonderful seeing all my friends.  I've missed them.  They were all warm, cracked jokes about bipolar disorder, insisted that I was a trend setter (Demi Lovato and Catherine Zeta-Jones recently announced their struggles with bipolar disorders as well) leave it to my girls to find a way to make this "posh"!  The weather was gorgeous, the party was a little crowded; i suppose that's to be expected for a joint birthday party for two boys ages 2 and 5.  About halfway into the party, I could feel the walls closing in around me...time to go.  It all just became too much.  I was feeling drowsy, irritable, rushed, and even confused. 

My children weren't really ready to leave, but thank goodness we had swim lessons later in the afternoon and I was able to tell them we needed to go get ready.  I didn't make it though.  By the time we got the kids ready for swimming, I was in full melt-down and needed to go home to sleep/rest.  My husband trudged on with both kids to lessons and managed them all on his own.  I...went home and took a nap.  That's the first time I've done that to him.  I've always managed all our activities; I guess today, I just pushed too hard and I was overwhelmed. 

The only way I can describe things when I get into my melt-down mode is that the world starts moving very quickly and I am stuck in slow motion.  Its everything I can do to function.  I can't drive, I can walk or talk, or focus.  I'm just...done.  I'm feeling like that more and more lately, but usually sleep helps it go away.  After my nap today, I went on to have a very productive and happy evening.  I made a nice steak dinner and then worked on a wedding project for my niece.  I even went back out and did some shopping for the project. 

The slow motion sucks.  It literally takes a chunk out of my life.  I feel that I miss out on so much with these lapses.  I'll definitely talk to my doctor about this at my next appointment...

Trouble Sleeping

Day 2 of getting only 4 hours sleep.  I was up again at 2:30 AM today.  I hate that.  I am somewhat productive, but really...I'd rather be sleeping. 

2:30 AM, shopped online for couches/sectionals for our weekend home.
3:00 AM, replied to and forwarded emails
3:30 AM, posted pictures to an online forum and perused new postings by others
4:15 AM, washed face and got dressed for the day
4:30 AM, straightened up house
4:45 AM, at breakfast.  I made a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of coffee
5:00 AM...here I sit.

My family won't get up for another 45 minutes, then we'll do the morning shuffle.  I can't wait to get to the gym today.  I have a feeling today is going to draaaag, but I'll do my best to be productive and get things crossed off my never ending list.

I just want to be OK.

I heard this song today on the radio and I thought, "sing it sister!  I know exactly how you feel!"

Change

I started Abilify on the 19th.  It has definitely been an adjustment.  I'm on a low dosage, but I could already feel the affects; good and bad.  The first few days, it was mostly bad, but now that my body is adjusting and I'm also taking a higher dose (went from 5 mg to 10 mg) I'm feeling better each day!

Good:  I feel more settled.  I can regulate my temper more easily.  I feel more motivated.  I'm getting back into a routine/schedule with my life.  I don't feel so depressed. 

Bad:  I feel sluggish.  It seems I'm moving in slow motion.  My mind has trouble focusing and I feel sleepy during the day.  I can't take some of my workout supplements because they are "stimulants".  My legs, feet, hands feel heavy. 

We'll see how things go over the next couple weeks and I'll talk to my doctor.  I'm also looking into natural ways to battle Bipolar Disorder.  I've heard of Lithium Orotate, a natural Lithium that is supposedly healthier and safer than prescription Lithium.  I need to do more research.

Change is good for me right now.  Anything that can help me feel better and get back to having a happy and healthy life. 

Trying so hard.

Over the weekend, I could feel my skin tightening up.  I was supposed to be enjoying a relaxing weekend with my children and husband, but the slightest thing would set me off.  I felt that I was getting ready to burst.  I hate that.  I hate myself when I get like that.  Why do I lash out at those I love?  I cannot trust myself; my emotions; my actions.  It sucks. 

I tried so hard to enjoy the weekend.  I did c"fun" things with my children, extra things with my 6 year old daughter.  I shopped, I ate well, I exercised.  Nothing seemed to break the edge though.  I felt as though I just could NOT connect with my life.  Am I alone?  Does anyone else know what it feels like to float above your life, loving people, seeing how good life is, but not able to enjoy it?  It really breaks my heart.

Today, I knew that I needed to get work done.  I just could not focus.  I tried, but I was making mistakes left and right and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I honestly don't think I could hold down a job right now.  Thank goodness I own my own business and I work with my husband.  He's a saint.  He's understanding, but I can see his patience is wearing thin...

Its like no matter how hard I try.  I just cannot shake this and I can't break free of this heavy burden.  Hopefully I'll feel some relief soon.

The circle is growing.

So now that a handful of people know, I'm feeling like my circle of trust is pretty stable. 

Husband
Therapist
Brother and his wife
My sister-in-law
My closest friends
My nutritionist/trainer

No one else needs to know at this point.  I'm just not ready.

Overwhelmed

The last three weeks have been nothing short of living hell.  Between waiting for the blood work/test results, not being on ANY medication at all for depression/anxiety, feeling prickly, etc.  I'm seriously surprised that I haven't snapped yet. 

I FINALLY met with my doctor again on Monday, April 18th and my test results came back all clear.  Yup.  I'm healthy as a horse.  Great news right?  Right!  Except that means that I can't blame anything else for my symptoms and through process of elimination...I'm being diagnosed as having a Bipolar Disorder.  SHIT!

As the doctor is sitting there, barely making eye contact with me, scribbling on her paper, rattling off symptoms of the scariest drugs I've ever heard of...I suddenly had an urge to get up and leave the room.  This isn't me.  She is mistaken.  I can't listen to this and I know she's wrong.  That's what I'm telling myself.  She managed to get me to stay and we talked some more about medication and together we decide to try Abilify.  I'm on day #2 of taking it and I'm already feeling "loopy", "tired", "heavy" and "sluggish".  Ugh.  These side effects should go away soon, I'm told, but we shall see. 

I let my nutritionist know the news and together we are looking into natural and clean ways to treat bipolar disorder.  I like the sound of Lithium orotate.  Its a natural supplement that can be taken over the counter.  I'm going to give it a try.  I'm going to make sure that I keep up with my diet and exercise program and really focus on staying healthy. 

How did this happen?  I never in my life thought that mental illness was something I would have to think about.  The more I think about it and the more that I read/research, I'll be honest, the more a Bipolar Disorder makes sense.  I'm scared, overwhelmed and feeling very lost.  This will not define me.

Feeling Prickly

My therapist uses the word "prickly" for times when I feel exceptionally irritable.  I've definitely felt that way today.  I go from being extremely sluggish, to forcing myself to do things.  Simple things, like cook dinner for my family.  Aren't I supposed to be a good wife and mother and do things for the family like any NORMAL wife and mother would do???

My husband sent me a text today that he wanted something specific for dinner.  He asked me to make some protein pancakes and then a high protein dinner.  I was absolutely exhausted and really all I wanted to do was go home, sit in the dark and let everyone find something simple for dinner.  That's what I do most nights anyway.  I was feeling guilty because I'd felt so sluggish today, so I forced myself to go straight to the kitchen when I got home and prepare a high protein dinner and make a batch of my pancakes for the week.  I cleaned the kitchen as I cooked and I was actually feeling pretty good about my efforts. 

When my husband got home, he commented on how the dinner wasn't really how he "preferred" it.  I was crushed.  Why do I go through those efforts?  He tried to tell me he loved my dinner, but if I had just changed it a little bit it would have been perfect.  This specific dinner has been an ongoing struggle; its chili, but he prefers it with less beans.  Apparently, there were too many beans for his liking...

So I of course, got aggressive and defensive and flew off the handle.  I told him for now on he can make it himself.  That I was so tired of putting efforts into things and then it not being "good enough".  I know that I was extremely sensitive and I probably took his critique harder than necessary, but I felt terrible that he didn't recognize my efforts. 

I wish that I had the tools to just talk myself down; I hate getting so upset and hurt over such silly little things.  It ruins the entire night for me.  I feel absolutely horrible and there are no words for me to explain myself or help him understand how I'm feeling.  Its a scary feeling and often times it makes me wish that I was just alone...then I couldn't be so aggressive towards the people that I love. 

Circle of Trust

One of my "assignments" as I get a grip on what's going on with me was to define my "Circle of Trust".  This means that I'm trying to evaluate my relationships with people and decided whether or not this is something that they need to know.  No one really NEEDS to know, except for my husband, but outside of that...  I know that people don't really need or even necessarily WANT to know.
My circle of trust wasn't too impressive.  Basically, it consisted of my husband and my therapist.  What's the say about a person that the only people they really feel they can trust is their spouse and a professional that is PAID for trust?  It was really depressing, or for a better word, "lonely".  It made me realize that my relationships with people aren't really that deep. 

I set the circle of trust (COT) aside for a few days and just thought about my relationships with people and I eventually added my brother.  I felt that despite where we are in our lives, that doesn't mean that we don't love and support each other fully.  I met him a few days later and explained what has been going on.  He took it well...as well as anyone could I suppose.  He was extremely supportive and I was glad that I had opened up to him.  I knew that if he knew, his wife would know, and I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I realize that there was really no way of getting around that.  I love his wife, don't get me wrong, but I wondered if she would judge me.  It was really scary to feel so exposed.  I feel raw.  She of course said, she loved and supported me as well, but still, I'm sensitive to all this and wasn't sure I was ready for her to know.  I do consider her one of my closest friends, so I guess that means that I'm not ready for any of my friends to know.

So my circle now consists of 4 people, my husband, my brother, my therapist and my sister-in-law.  Two of them, trust by default.  Not really a source of "warm fuzzies" but I'm dealing.  Looking at my other relationships, I go back and forth with "I don't want to bother them." or "This isn't something that I want to add to their burden." or "Would they really care?" and even "I don't think I would ever ever ever want this person to know this about me."

One relationship in particular, we've been friends for many years and I've talked to her about a lot of things.  Recently though, I found myself not feeling connected to her.  I realized that I wasn't feeling the value of our friendship and it made me sad to think that this was not something I could share with her.  It really broke my heart.  As I looked deeper and deeper into my relationships, it became more apparent to me that many of my bonds with people were superficial.  I only let people in so deep.  So why do I always feel so busy?  Why do I always feel like I'm pulled in different directions to spend time with people.  Don't I only want to give my valuable time to people I value? 

I'm definitely going to talk to my therapist about this.  Perhaps if I unloaded these shallow relationships, I wouldn't feel so bogged down...

Research

In the days following, I teeter back and forth between denial and acceptance.  My husband, God love him, quietly researched Bipolar Disorders on his own and offered words of comfort in my bouts of anger and denial.  "This isn't me!"  I would cry.  He would counteract that with, "these websites and journals have to cover a large spectrum.  Not all of it is going to apply to how you feel."  He's right, of course.  I stew. 

Coincidentally, I came down with a nasty stomach bug and ended up spending several days in bed or on the couch.  That gave me ample time to poke around online and research Bipolar Disorders.  I would read or watch videos, then cry or slam the laptop shut.  I felt like I was finding MY STORIES all over the internet!  All the puzzle pieces were coming together!  I could relate!  I didn't want to relate...  I wanted it all to be "similar" but not consistent with my life and my feelings.  I could not accept this.  I don't believe I have yet either.  I'm hoping that the tests from the bloodwork show some other explanation.

I met with my therapist the week following, I've seen her on and off for the last 8 years, but she's not a doctor.  She does talk therapy.  When I told her what the psychiatrist said, it was like a light bulb went off in her head.  She said she felt terrible that she hadn't put the pieces together before.  She went back and looked at all her notes of the sessions we've had together and she said it was BLAIRING with Bipolar II.  The problem was she had never met with me during my "ups".  I had been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and then later PPD (Post Partum Disorder) and had always been treated for depression and anxiety.  When ever I saw my therapist, I felt depressed.  I was going through hormone changes.  I was having a tough time in marriage or in life, etc.  The cycles were hard to see.  My "ups" looked like I was overcoming depression.  I seemed "normal" and "happy".  The problem is, I didn't always share how extravagant my life could get.  The shopping sprees, the events of poor judgment or lack of judgment completely, the fits of rage, the excessive irritability.  She only saw the aftermath, the sadness, the inability to function, the feeling of loss of control...Bipolar II is often misdiagnosed with women because of these exact reasons!

My therapist helped A LOT.  I see her every week and she's answering a lot of questions for me.  She is there for me to talk my feelings out; she gives support and she helps give me tools to communicate my fears and feelings.  We're still in the process of ruling out other possibilities, but all arrows are pointing in this direction.  I'm still not ready to accept it, I don't have to yet, right?  I guess we'll see what the tests say...

My Story

Where does my story begin? 

I won’t bore you with details of a traumatic adolescence or give a sob story of abuse, neglect and grave misfortune.  I’m sure my upbringing was just like a million other girls in America.  We all have our story.  This story, my story, will begin in March 2011.  Yes, that was just a few days ago.  I’m 29 years old, a working mother of two and I’ve been married to my husband for almost 9 years.  On this normal evening in March, I found myself sitting in a psychiatrist’s office. 

The small room was bland; decorated with art that could be described as “blah”, the chair was stiff and I was allotted 45 minutes to pour my life’s story into the lap of a stranger.  She was nice enough.  I noted that she was wearing what you would typically see on a mannequin in the NY&Co. store front.  Low quality but put together.  She sat quietly as I described to her how I’ve been feeling the last several months (lack of sleep, irritable, lost, confused, short-tempered, etc)  She asked questions about my life, my history, my parents.  She got me talking about an incident when I was 19 years old when I felt so overwhelmed I made the decision to drive my car off the road.  That resulted in spending a week in outpatient therapy talking about my life and how much it sucked to be 19 with a shitty boyfriend and parents that brushed my feelings off as being a “spoiled brat”.  I guess we covered a lot of ground in 45 minutes.  After hearing my collective stories of outburst, depression, excessive lapses in judgment…she gave me a possible resolution, rather title, to my search for answers of why I feel the way I feel.

“I believe you fit the bill for a bipolar disorder.” she said it the way someone might tell you that you’ve tested positive for strep throat.  So unfortunate, yet so matter-of-fact; not exactly what I had prepared myself to hear that evening.  You mean this isn’t just a “funk” I’m in?  You’re telling me that in 45 minutes you’re going to drop this on me and I’m supposed to walk out of here and go home to my husband and say, “oh honey, it’s all good… answer is simple, I’ve got a mental disorder.  Whew!  Easy-peasy!”  Just as she dropped this bomb on me, our time is up.  She scribbles some notes on a piece of paper, advises me to go home and search WebMD on Bipolar Disorders and the treatments and says she’ll see me in a month.  REALLY??? 

She paused for a moment and asked, “are you OK?  People take this really hard, it’s to be expected.  I want you to have some blood work done for me this week and we’ll discuss everything next month.  Hang in there!  Do your research, write down your questions and talk to your husband.”  That was that.  I quietly walked out of the room and down the hall where I then scheduled an appointment for four weeks out.  I adamantly informed the receptionist that if there were any cancellations prior to the four weeks, to please call me immediately.

I walked out to my car, slid into the drivers seat and began to sob.  My phone has several missed calls and texts.  It's my husband.  "You ok?"  I text him back.  "No.  I'm coming home."  I start the car and in the 8 minutes it takes me to drive home, I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into a state of confusion.