Research

In the days following, I teeter back and forth between denial and acceptance.  My husband, God love him, quietly researched Bipolar Disorders on his own and offered words of comfort in my bouts of anger and denial.  "This isn't me!"  I would cry.  He would counteract that with, "these websites and journals have to cover a large spectrum.  Not all of it is going to apply to how you feel."  He's right, of course.  I stew. 

Coincidentally, I came down with a nasty stomach bug and ended up spending several days in bed or on the couch.  That gave me ample time to poke around online and research Bipolar Disorders.  I would read or watch videos, then cry or slam the laptop shut.  I felt like I was finding MY STORIES all over the internet!  All the puzzle pieces were coming together!  I could relate!  I didn't want to relate...  I wanted it all to be "similar" but not consistent with my life and my feelings.  I could not accept this.  I don't believe I have yet either.  I'm hoping that the tests from the bloodwork show some other explanation.

I met with my therapist the week following, I've seen her on and off for the last 8 years, but she's not a doctor.  She does talk therapy.  When I told her what the psychiatrist said, it was like a light bulb went off in her head.  She said she felt terrible that she hadn't put the pieces together before.  She went back and looked at all her notes of the sessions we've had together and she said it was BLAIRING with Bipolar II.  The problem was she had never met with me during my "ups".  I had been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and then later PPD (Post Partum Disorder) and had always been treated for depression and anxiety.  When ever I saw my therapist, I felt depressed.  I was going through hormone changes.  I was having a tough time in marriage or in life, etc.  The cycles were hard to see.  My "ups" looked like I was overcoming depression.  I seemed "normal" and "happy".  The problem is, I didn't always share how extravagant my life could get.  The shopping sprees, the events of poor judgment or lack of judgment completely, the fits of rage, the excessive irritability.  She only saw the aftermath, the sadness, the inability to function, the feeling of loss of control...Bipolar II is often misdiagnosed with women because of these exact reasons!

My therapist helped A LOT.  I see her every week and she's answering a lot of questions for me.  She is there for me to talk my feelings out; she gives support and she helps give me tools to communicate my fears and feelings.  We're still in the process of ruling out other possibilities, but all arrows are pointing in this direction.  I'm still not ready to accept it, I don't have to yet, right?  I guess we'll see what the tests say...