Overwhelmed

The last three weeks have been nothing short of living hell.  Between waiting for the blood work/test results, not being on ANY medication at all for depression/anxiety, feeling prickly, etc.  I'm seriously surprised that I haven't snapped yet. 

I FINALLY met with my doctor again on Monday, April 18th and my test results came back all clear.  Yup.  I'm healthy as a horse.  Great news right?  Right!  Except that means that I can't blame anything else for my symptoms and through process of elimination...I'm being diagnosed as having a Bipolar Disorder.  SHIT!

As the doctor is sitting there, barely making eye contact with me, scribbling on her paper, rattling off symptoms of the scariest drugs I've ever heard of...I suddenly had an urge to get up and leave the room.  This isn't me.  She is mistaken.  I can't listen to this and I know she's wrong.  That's what I'm telling myself.  She managed to get me to stay and we talked some more about medication and together we decide to try Abilify.  I'm on day #2 of taking it and I'm already feeling "loopy", "tired", "heavy" and "sluggish".  Ugh.  These side effects should go away soon, I'm told, but we shall see. 

I let my nutritionist know the news and together we are looking into natural and clean ways to treat bipolar disorder.  I like the sound of Lithium orotate.  Its a natural supplement that can be taken over the counter.  I'm going to give it a try.  I'm going to make sure that I keep up with my diet and exercise program and really focus on staying healthy. 

How did this happen?  I never in my life thought that mental illness was something I would have to think about.  The more I think about it and the more that I read/research, I'll be honest, the more a Bipolar Disorder makes sense.  I'm scared, overwhelmed and feeling very lost.  This will not define me.