Flashback #1 Childhood

Is it sad that my strongest memories of my childhood always bring out the emotions of fear, anxiety, shame and lonliness?  I wish I could say that my childhood was filled with love and happiness and that I always felt safe and secure.  The truth is that that couldn't be any farther from the truth; I might as well say that I was a boy as a child! 

My parents I suppose "did their best" or thought they were doing their best.  Funny thing is, I don't think they knew how to be good parents at all.  In fact, I don't think that they truly knew how to be good people.   Many nights, I would sit in my bedroom fearing that my door would open and I would get a visit from my "loving father".  It never went as far as sexual intercourse, but it was enough.  I won't go into the details, but I hated being around him.  I hated that my mom worked a lot and that left me home alone with him many hours throughout the day.  If he wasn't smacking me around for not being an "obedient child" he was professing his love to me in the only way he knew how...and as I matured, I learned that good fathers don't show love that way to their daughters. 

I wouldn't say that my father had a thing for little girls.  To be honest, I don't know.  I think that I was easy access for a man that was failing at his marriage and not getting the attention he wanted from his wife.  I shudder at the thought that he could have possibly hurt another child.  I wasn't thinking that back then though; my only thought was to survive.  I just needed to make it through; to come out alive and intact.  The abuse went on for years.  Never going far enough to leave physical damage, but always going far enough to leave shame.  It was around 14 years old when I decided enough was enough. 

It was New Year's Eve.  My family was having a party and there were all kinds of people there.  It was a great family event.  My highschool boyfriend, Justin, was even there.  I loved him all kinds of crazy.  I thought I would marry him, but isn't that what every 14 year old girl in love thinks?  At midnight, as the ball dropped, everyone snuggled and I even got a little kiss from that sweet boy, Justin.  Then my father grabbed me and spun me around and infront of everyone says, "This is how you kiss a girl!" and then he french kissed me right there in front of everyone!!!!  I wanted to die!  I felt as though my secret shame had just been released to the world!  Why didn't my mother step in!?!?!  Why didn't anyone help me!?!?!?  It was clear my father was drunk.  Did the alcohol excuse him from this public display of inappropriate behavior?  I was mortified, I was crushed, I was embarrassed, and I felt so utterly lost and alone.  I wanted to die.  Why didn't anyone speak up?  No one said a word.  It was hushed, brushed off and everyone went back to what they were doing.  Me, standing there, feeling like I had a big stain of blood across my chest.  I knew in that moment something was wrong with my life.