Flashback #2

Recently, I told my therapist that I would love to have the opportunity to tell my ex-boyfriend what I really think of him.  We were together for over 4 years; basically the end of highschool up until I met my husband.  We were on again, off again.  Looking back, I see just how miserable and doomed our relationship was.  He was a liar.  That was probably the last thing in my life that I needed, but then does anyone ever really "need" a liar in their life? 

One intance that I keep playing over and over in my mind is when I suspected he was cheating on me.  I was at the mall with a girlfriend and all of sudden the girl I suspected he was cheating on me with walked into the store where we were shopping.  She had been coming around lately, and I had a feeling that my "hunch" was a little more than just a weird feeling I had.  I confronted her.

"Please leave my boyfriend alone.  Don't you understand that he and I are a couple!?!?!?"

her:  "We're just friends and last I checked, he could talk to anyone he wants to."

That's all she had to say.  I LOST IT.  My ex happened to be meeting me and my friend right at that moment.  Perfect timing, wouldn't you say?  I begged him to tell her off.  I pleaded that right there and then he profess his love for me and tell her to buzz off.  He wouldn't do it. 

I walked back into the store at the mall, by now she's in the dressing room, and I begin banging on her door.  "LEAVE US ALONE!"  I demanded.  She snickered.  She's lucky that door was in between us.  At that moment, I realized I had lost part of him.  For whatever reason he couldn't tell her to go away.  I knew it...SHE knew it. 

I melted down right there in the mall.  Full blown panic attack.  Tears, gasps, shaking and just complete loss of my emotions.  My then boyfriend was annoyed with me.  Why wasn't he sticking up for us?  (answer is pretty obvious now)  We spent the rest of the day with him telling me that she was nothing, that he didn't even know why she was bothering him (us), etc.  I believed him, I allowed him to calm me down, even though deep down inside something was unsettled in me. 

The entire last year of my relationship with my ex revolved around fights about that girl.  She just kept "appearing" in our life.  Today...my ex and the girl in the mall are married and have a child together.  They got together minutes after I called it quits for the last time.  They deserve each other.   What I would give to tell them both off.  How dare he waste my time for all those years?

I don't know why I keep going back to that day in the mall.  Maybe its not about them...either one of them, but more about how I lost control of my emotions.  I was let down by someone I loved very much.  I was shown that my feelings didn't matter and that I truly could trust no one.