No progress

The last couple weeks have been anything but good when it comes to how I'm dealing with meds, life, moods, etc.  I think I'm doing a pretty good job masking how I really feel, but inside I'm screaming and I'm ready to just split in half.  I keep describing my feelings to my husand as if I could literally just peel my own skin off; that's how incredibly uncomfortable I am.  I just cannot get away from myself.  I can't stand to be me right now. 

I spoke to my doctor about Abilify and we decided it wasn't the right medicine for me. So I'm now on .25 mg of something called Risperdal.  I have no idea if that dosage is even enough for me, but at least I don't feel the way I did on Abiify. 

I'm irritable, disconnect, uncomfortable, anxious and all twisted in knots every waking moment of the day and the only time I find comfort is in my sleep.  I love my sleep and lately, I've been getting a good amount!  Yet, every morning when I open my eyes, I think to myself, "Oh shit...here we go again."  What kind of life is that?  I can't wait for days to be over and I'm basically in survival mode.  I just pray I make it to the finish of each day without some sort of confrontation, problem, blow-up or conflict.  Each day passed is a day that is successful and each morning I find myself bogged down with dread, fear and anxiety of what is in store for me.  I find myself constantly exhausted, frustrated and feeling completely defeated. 

My energy level has picked back up now that I'm not on Abilify, and I'm hoping now that I'm able to be somewhat productive, I'll start to feel a little bit better about myself.  I've recently been accepted into a graduate program and I'm optimistic that this will give me some useful stress and something to focus my energy in positive way.  I thrive on challenge, but I'm hoping that I'm not biting off more than I can chew. 

I know that right now, I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine; this is the ugliness of my disease.  I struggle with the label; I repeat "this does not define me" over and over in my head, but I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into the illness and farther and farther from my life and those I love.  Its lonely and painful. 

My eyes are welling up in tears as I type...I just want to feel better.  I want to be the wife and mother my family deserves.  I want to embrace my friends and know that tomorrow brings brighter days.  I feel a cloud over me and I'm biding my time just hoping that my thread doesn't unravel and I'm left drifting in the wind.  I just want to feel better.  I only want to feel better...